This blog post represents the author’s views and should not be interpreted as professional/medical advice or endorsed by NEDA.
Seek Help
Recovering from anorexia without the support of others is very uncommon. Seek support from a trusted friend or family member. It should be someone who has a healthy relationship with food themself and who knows you well enough to be able to lovingly rebuke you. It should be someone who you know will not shy away from showing you tough love and telling you the truth when you don’t want to hear it; who will rebuke anorexia’s lies even when you try to defend them. It should be someone who you can’t manipulate or fool. You are likely to need to get professional help as well in order to recover. Try reaching out to your doctor or other medical care provider as they should be able to connect you with a professional who specializes in eating disorder recovery.
You are Not Your Eating Disorder
Don’t think of anorexia as part of you. Instead think of it as your adversary, something separate from you that you must combat and that, with help, you can defeat. Tell it to go to Hell where it belongs.
Full Recovery is Possible
I remember reading a testimony online of someone who had had anorexia. She wrote that recovery would always be a journey she would be on, or in and out of, throughout the rest of her life. When I read that, the sadness of it struck me. That does not have to be the case. It is possible to reach a place where you can look back and see that you have arrived at full recovery, even though you probably won’t be able to tell exactly when you got there.
When I had anorexia, I could hardly imagine life without it. I remember trying to think of what life might be like without anorexia; with hindsight, I can now see that the life I pictured was not full recovery. It still involved a sense of constantly having to be on your guard regarding what you ate such that you could never fully be at peace. I could not picture a life free of that underlying anxiety; and even the vague, unformed idea of such a life seemed scary, like losing control. If full recovery is light and anorexia is darkness, I think the best I could picture when I tried to picture life without anorexia was some sort of twilight.
However, I have since been able to experience what I could not even imagine when I was ill. Full recovery is possible. When I say full recovery, I don’t mean living with reduced anxiety, but still having the feeling that you constantly have to be on high alert in your life with food. Also, full recovery is not scary; in fact, it’s surprisingly normal in a very freeing way. It does not need to involve eating to excess or any of the other negative things that my eating disorder tried to pin on it. But it does involve complete freedom from anorexia in a way you probably can’t fully picture now if you currently have anorexia.
So you might not be able to believe that complete recovery is possible as you may not even be able to imagine it at present. But full recovery is possible, so tell yourself that over and over again. Tell yourself that the picture of life without anorexia that you have in your mind is a distorted mockery of the real thing, and that the real thing is possible to achieve. It will take time, determination, and consistency to get there, but it definitely can be done and it is worth it. Cling to that. Repeat it to yourself when you are lying in bed awake at night drowning in the clamor in your head. Tell yourself that when you are curled up on the carpet, rocking back and forth because you feel like you can hardly contain the anguish that seems like it will rip you apart. Tell yourself that this does not have to last forever. It may feel like just an intellectual exercise if you can’t picture it yet, but even that is something to cling to.
You will Never be Able to Satisfy Anorexia, So Don’t Try to; Instead Resist It
Much of living with anorexia involves just trying to get through the day without transgressing the strict eating rules that anorexia has laid down so that the simmering anxiety inside you won’t ignite into a crippling blaze. However, try as you might, you never can. For, the more you restrict to try to follow anorexia’s rules, the tighter those rules become. Even one cheerio is enough to break anorexia’s rule and send you into spiraling anxiety. In fact, even the fact that your slices of cucumber look less ripe is enough (yes, my eating disorder did find a way to argue that that was something to be anxious about).
So, while I know you are living in survival mode, when you think, “I’ve just got to restrict enough to get through today,” rebuke that thought because you will never get peace that way. That’s the lie of anorexia, or rather one of its many lies. It will always require more until it kills you. I know it is so hard to resist anorexia’s demands; I’ve been there. But please try. Recovery is worth it. Having your mind back is worth it.
Ask yourself “What do I value more?”
Anorexia can be very good at coming up with arguments about why you should not eat something that you need to eat. When I had to eat something but my mind was overflowing with anorexia’s reasons why I shouldn’t eat it, and I was terrified of eating it and of the crippling anxiety I knew would follow, there is something that I found a little helpful. Try to think of something that you value even more than what the lies of anorexia seem to promise you, even if they were true. It could be something you want to do with your life or something you would like to achieve. Think about how having an eating disorder will prevent you from being able to do that, and ask yourself, “What do I value more?” Use that more long-term dream as a reason to help make yourself eat what you need to eat.
Distraction is One of Your Weapons Against Anorexia
Healthy distractions can be a powerful tool in your recovery. This may sound like I mean distracting yourself from the underlying problem so that you can cope from day to day. You may ask, “But isn’t the goal to confront the underlying problem, namely anorexia, and get rid of it?” Yes, it is, but distraction can be helpful in doing that very thing. Much of recovering from anorexia involves eating what your body needs when anorexia tells you that you should not eat and then riding the subsequent anxiety. Thus, using certain activities to try to distract yourself after you have eaten can be very helpful.
I realize that this is easier said than done and often you cannot fully distract yourself; but some distractions can help a little. For me, it was often doing my homework that would be my distraction. It could also be a hobby, like drawing or playing a musical instrument. Having other people around you and talking with them can be one of the best ways to distract yourself. Over time, as you recover, the anxiety you have after you eat lessens, although the progression is unlikely to be linear and may be too gradual for you to notice until you look back.
Try to Ground Yourself in Reality
Try to ground yourself in reality. I don’t mean arguing with yourself about what is or is not supported by reason, because your reason can be twisted by anorexia. I instead mean things like intentionally noticing what you are doing when you do activities such as washing the dishes or doing your homework. Notice the everyday things other people are doing around you as well. Sometimes it can be helpful to cling to the comfortingly normal aspects of life, noticing that everyday life is still going on, grounding yourself in the world outside the storm inside your mind.
Cling to Honesty
Don’t let anorexia rob you of honesty. Cling to it. Be honest with others and with yourself. Not only is honesty important for moral reasons, but it is also important for your recovery.
Try to Allow Yourself to Enjoy Things
Try to allow yourself to enjoy things. I know the feeling where you are with other people who are laughing about something, just some small joke, and part of you has a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe having joy like that might be possible again, but most of you feels a deep regret. You feel regret because you think, if only I had not eaten that (usually it is more like wondering whether the amount you spread on your bread may have been almost imperceptibly thicker than yesterday), then I wouldn’t be feeling this anxiety and shame and I could enjoy this moment with these people. There is also a feeling of being cut off from those around you, like you are alone in a room watching them live their lives through a window.
I know it is easier said than done to enjoy a funny moment when your mind is screaming at you or you feel hollow inside. I know you can’t just tell yourself to enjoy something. But a little of what is keeping you back might be the feeling that you have not earned, or don’t deserve, to enjoy the moment. That was often the case for me. Try to identify and rebuke that feeling. Surround yourself with friends who love you (and have healthy relationships with food). They can help you rebuke the accusatory feelings you are having; or even if they don’t know what you are struggling with, they can help draw you out of your anxious thoughts and into the God-given joy that is healthy friendship.
Resources
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Susannah Cray is a dual citizen of the United States and the United Kingdom and grew up in Chad, where her parents were missionaries. By the grace of God, she recovered from anorexia several years ago. She is currently a student at Harvard Law School.
